Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Cookies And Gender Stereotypes

I just spent almost two hours looking for cookie recipes online so I can make cookies for the AHA meeting tomorrow. “But that would only take like five minutes,” you say. “Just google the type of cookie you want! It's literally that simple.” I know you're just trying to help, but (A) I didn't ask for your help. I know how to google, du unwissend Nutte! (B) No. It's not that simple. Not for me.

See my epic problem is I love cooking and baking for other people (note the “other people” part. That's why all the meals I eat in my apartment come out of my microwave. That and my stove is fucking scary. I'm pretty sure I'd burn the entire city down if I just turned it on.), but I absolutely hate the part of being in the kitchen and actually doing the baking/cooking. Needless to say I'm not very good at being a proper woman (because we're just supposed to stay in the kitchen right?). I enjoy the part where I actually deliver the food the most. The look on people's faces when you hand-deliver homemade food that you cooked/baked exclusively for them is just flippin' priceless. Seriously. If you've never experienced that, you need to before you die. But the actual making of the food sucks.

That's what I look like in the kitchen. Of course not as adorable.

The sad panda thing is that everything I cook/bake turns out fucking delicious. I mean nations would literally go to war over it. That's how delicious it is. But nobody ever knows that because I hate cooking.

So anyway. That all was slightly off topic but not really. I mean it was all within the same topic family. It was just the weird uncle who's 6' 6”, has a pretty Castro-looking beard, crazy eyes, and is obsessed with guns (description based on one of my uncles. At first glance he looks scary, but he's really one of the nicest men ever). Relevant, but kinda scary if you don't know him. Again I'm digressing. Apologies. I have a lot running through my mind right now and none of it is about cookies.

My uncle. My family is ridiculous and awesome.

COOKIES! “Sydnie shut up,” you're probably groaning at your screen. But jokes on you I can't hear you. “So why isn't finding cookie recipes online easy for you? What are you, an idiot?” Well yes, but not in the way you think I am! I found plenty of wonderful sounding recipes, but they all take so long and have ingredients that I would waste my money on for this one instance and then put in a cupboard and never use again. I hate that. Why can't everything just be made up of the same six ingredients? Life would be so much simpler.

New York strip. Now made from vanilla extract, salt, milk, eggs, flour, and butter flavored shortening.

And since when is “butter flavored shortening” a thing? That has to be a recent invention. I mean it's an advance in cooking technology because, well, I assume if you use “butter flavored shortening” you wouldn't need butter right? So thanks Crisco for cutting down on ingredients. But anything that freely writes “butter flavored” on the package makes me want to vomit. It reminds me that I live in a country where people won't eat anything unless it's fried, chocolate covered, or slathered in so much butter you might as well just be eating deep fried butter (which is totally a thing! It is the grossest thing ever! I would like to meet the person who came up with that, raise my hand like I want to give them a high five, and then take it away when they go to hit it).

Wernstrom!

So I find tons of recipes that all take way too much time (I've only got a few hours between my last class and the meeting, people, I can't slave over a hot stove all day!) and/or use ingredients that I really don't want to waste my precious money on. I have found some that don't take a lot of time, but again the moneys. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to just say screw it and buy cookie dough and then just bake that. No one will have to know it's not homemade. Granted, one person in the group will know because he will probably read this eventually. But hopefully he'll make a pact with me not to tell anyone that the cookies weren't homemade... ...and to lose our virginities by prom night (I did your joke for you).

Some of my specialties (if I like you a lot and you ask me, I'd probably make you one or all of these):

  • Lasagna

  • Sandwiches (Hey look! My dream of being a proper woman isn't lost after all.)
  • Mac 'n Cheese
  • My Grandma's Spaghetti
  • Fudge
  • Butter Noodles (simple, but easy to mess up if you're a n00b)
  • Puppy Chow (that actually is really simple)
  • Lots of other types of pasta. When I lived in Janesville, I learned to get really creative with pasta dishes.
  • Cakes, especially boob shaped ones.
Yes. Manda and I made this for Kaylee's birthday. It even had candy nipples under the frosting.

Syd

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