7 Things That Annoy Me (And I Might Stop Being Friends With You For)

1. The word “moist.”

   I hate this word with a fiery passion rivaled only by gods. It is the worst word in the entire English language. There's no way you can make it sound good. Moist cake? I'm suddenly not so hungry. Moist towelette? No thanks. I'll just wash my hands in the bathroom. I think the biggest problem is somehow, and I have no clue how this happened, but somehow in the past years whenever someone says moist I think of sex. But not the good parts of sex. Just all the bad, gross, fluidy parts. I bet you have a much more interesting take on moist cake now, right?

2. Kids who pack up their stuff five minutes before class ends.

   Hey, idiots who do this. There is no way anywhere you have to go would require that you get out immediately when class ends. I mean I never pack up until we're dismissed and do you know when I leave the classroom? About 10-20 seconds after class ends. Seriously. And then I hop on my fixie and go to Genna's where I drink PBR and listen to bands you've probably never heard of. There is absolutely no reason to disrupt my learning with that annoying nonsense.

3. Using real science during a hypothetical conversation.

   Let me define “hypothetical conversation” in the way I mean it here. Sometimes when I'm in a group of people I like to propose really crazy situations and see how people would respond. Or if other people do the same thing, I love to take part in the conversation. Usually with this type of conversation, real-world science may be brought up, but it's never used to discourage someone's response. Most of the people I spend my time with know that when engaged in this type of conversation, everything in the real-world goes out the window. My favorite example is talking about what type of superhero is the best or what type you'd most want to be. This scenario becomes totally stupid and futile to talk about if we're basing it in this world. However, there are those people I run into that love to just shoot down everything I propose with science nonsense. Fuck science! If I'm engaging in a conversation about superheroes I don't want all my suggestions shot down with real-world stuff. I want to be able to imagine I can do whatever I want. Another example, the one that really made me realize how much I hate this: The conversation turned to ways the human race could destroy itself. I believe it will someday. I have absolutely no faith in us. So I was listing some ridiculous ways (a Planet of the Apes scenario, which I still believe would be the coolest way ever), but then I thought of a real way. Nuclear war. And immediately someone jumped in and said that even if nuclear war happened some people would survive. Obviously, being a Philosophy major, I was never too good at science. I was really really bad at science. I still am. I barely passed rocks for jocks (Geology 101). So I didn't know if he was right or wrong. But then someone else piped up and said he was wrong, that if nuclear war happened, the nuclear winters and stuff would probably kill everyone who didn't die in the blast or some stuff. I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess the biggest issue I have with pulling real-world science into non-real-world hypothetical conversations is that I then get alienated and can no longer participate in the conversation because I have no clue what you're talking about or if what you're saying is true or not. And no one likes that feeling. Moving on.

4. Driving.

   Don't get me wrong, I love driving (although, I liked driving before it became mainstream). It's my favorite activity, especially speeding down country roads. But it's the other drivers that annoy me. From people who speed up, pass me, and then slow down when they get in front of me, to people who don't understand how four-way stops work, to even the kids who freely step out in front of my car when I'm driving on campus. There's just a lot that other people do that frustrate me and then make me shake my steering wheel like I'm making James Bond a martini. I won't go into much more detail because I think other drivers annoy everyone.

5. Being immature when I'm trying to talk about something serious.

   I am not a very mature person. I definitely can be when I need to be. But when I'm in a good mood with people I love, I'll be the first one to say “that's what she said” or be sitting there making dick jokes. I love it. I love the subtle, high-end jokes as well, but sometimes you just have to make a dick joke. But when I'm trying to talk about something serious going on in my life, I want the person I'm talking to to take it somewhat serious as well. If you're making jokes to cheer me up, cool because it'll probably work. Nothing makes me happier than someone else making me laugh with some good puns or whatever. I guess I'll give you an example. When I was still with my last boyfriend (it must have been somewhere in late '09) my parents were seriously thinking about getting a divorce. I didn't tell anyone about it. But I wanted to talk to someone about it so I went to my boyfriend. He couldn't take the conversation seriously. He just sat there quoting Futurama and being stupid. It was actually one of the biggest reasons I broke up with him later on, he just could not be mature or take anything seriously. I really don't want you to get the wrong impression, I love being stupid and making jokes. But you have to be able to recognize situations when you need to cut down on the jokes and try to just be mature and supportive. He never could do that. And I've known other people who couldn't either. I guess it's all about being able to read the situation correctly, which some people have real trouble with.

   (A little side note that doesn't warrant it's own number. Something that can annoy me to no end is some people's sense of humor. I've been able to surround myself with people who find the same things funny as I do lately, luckily. But when I was dating that guy I was talking about before, most of the jokes made in his group, and by him, were just quoting shows. Quotes have their place. If you slip them into a conversation at the right moment, they can work perfectly. But not if the quote is the whole joke. I heard that joke once when I watched the show it came from, why do I want to hear it again from someone not as funny?)

6. Modern/Abstract Art

   Ugh. Being a former art student, I kind of feel a little bad about this one. I should appreciate it for whatever meaning the artist is trying to get across. But I don't. I think 98% of modern art sucks and about 99.99999% of abstract art sucks. I won't appreciate a piece of artwork if I could reproduce it in ten minutes. I suck at art so I want real artists to be producing thought-provoking, world-changing pieces. But, I gotta say, it's been a long time since I've come across one. The best example of this is from the Milwaukee Art Museum. When I was going to the Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design, I pretty much lived at the MAM. You walk in and down the first corridor and there's ancient works and death masks, paintings and portraits I could never recreate in a million years. It's beautiful artwork. But then you make the mistake of going upstairs. And the one piece that really annoyed me then, even when I was an art student and actually tried taking an interest in art pieces being produced today (when I wasn't waiting in the coffee shop you've probably never heard of for my one pump, extra shot, soy, extra hot grande caramel macchiato), was one that consisted of three giant canvases hanging on the wall. Do you want to know what was painted on each canvas? The primary colors. That's it. One canvas was blue, one red, and one yellow. Really? I could do that in five minutes and it's in a frickin' art museum? I'm sure the artist had some deep meaning behind it, but if I can't guess the hidden layers of your art by studying it, then it doesn't matter what you meant it as, it only matters what you put on canvas, my friend. And no matter how long I stared at that wall, all I could think was, “If that's all it takes to be an artist, then I want to do something more challenging with my life.” So I did. I'm a Philosophy major now. So I guess I should say thank you lazy artist. I don't remember who you are. But because of you, I realized I was never meant to be in art school so I dropped out. Best decision I've ever made.

   Oh abstract art! It's just stupid. Again, I think if you're going to go super modern or abstract with your art, it has to still be in a way that the normal person can get the meaning you were going after. Otherwise the art doesn't mean anything to anyone viewing it. I know it still means something to you, and I've done pieces like that too. They only mean something to me, not to anyone else in the world. But those are the pieces I don't hang on my walls. I don't know. Maybe I just have a too narrow view of art, but then again it's all subjective so you can't really say I'm wrong.

7. Preachy vegans (or vegetarians or pretty much preachy anything).

   I understand, okay. It's a big life change going from eating delicious delicious meat to eating not delicious meat, but that does not mean for one second I want to hear about it twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week (or what some call 24/7, but that's just too mainstream for me). I really don't want to hear about it if you only did it because you think killing animals is wrong. I don't care. Really. I love ham and bacon and chicken and even the occasional cow-meat-patty (It's called a hamburger. You've probably never heard of it). But I'm not going to preach about how awesome meat is all the time. So why do you think I'd want to hear about how awesome not-meat is? And don't give me that tofu crap. Ew. That stuff is nasty. Worse than tuna. I have nothing against vegans or vegetarians but I don't want to hear about it all the time. You're more interesting than that. I believe you can find something else to talk about. And that goes for all preachy people, whether it be religion, food, or circumcision (I have heard enough about foreskin in the past week to satisfy the foreskin quota for the rest of my life).

Syd