Response to "War on Men"

(I am going to try to keep this post reasonable and civil.  I can't guarantee anything though.)

Before going on, read this.

There is one thing I completely agree with in this article:  the battle of the sexes is alive and well.  But it's not the fault of women as Suzanne Venker would like to say.  It's not the fault of men either.  Saying one sex is more at fault, or that there is even fault to be applied, is not helping the situation.

There is a subculture of both men and women who don't want to get married.  I used to be part of that subculture.  Up until recently, I could never imagine getting married.  I could imagine committing and spending my life with one man, but not in some ceremony that costs thousands of dollars that I didn't want to do and then when it doesn't work out, have to go through the lengthy and also expensive process of divorce.  While I'm open to the idea of marriage more today, there are definitely times when I think I would rather opt for something different.

I would imagine this movement of anti-marriage is more because of our generation.  We're more focused on school and work and want to continue to focus on different things than marrying.  It's not as much of a social pressure either.  My parents, along with many others, would be perfectly content if I found that person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but never officially got married.  I know there are plenty who still pressure their kids into getting married, but, at least from personal experience, it's a dying trend.

I don't know what type of men Venker has been talking to.  But the type that don't want to get married because "women aren't women anymore" are not the type of man women want to marry.  I'm not surprised she's found an entire subculture of men who don't want to get married if they think like that.  They couldn't get married if they tried (well they probably could, but you know what I mean).

Think about that phrase for a second.  "Women aren't women anymore."  I'm taking a stab in the dark here, but do they think that because women don't want to be stuck at home with screaming kids anymore, they want to bring home money and contribute to society.  Women are moving away from the traditional feminine view, opting for a more independent, self-sufficient lifestyle.  We're strong.  We always have been.  And there's a problem with us showing it, according to Venker.  How is that reasonable?

There was a revolution to change the way women were being treated because they weren't being treated equally.  It was a time when they couldn't vote, didn't get paid anywhere near the amount men did (if their husbands would even allow them to work).  It was a time when this article that Venker wrote, a woman wrote, would have to been published under a man's name if it even got published at all.

I'll give you that women may be angry, but that's because we have a valid reason for being angry.  In a world where I can fly from Madison to San Fransisco in four hours, everyone has a computer in their pocket and you can have the internet without plugging a cord into your computer, women still aren't equal.  We've definitely made progress.  But we're still expected to do the traditionally feminist roles in a family (which is a completely different problem I recently wrote a five page paper about so it's a little much to discuss here), we're not paid the same wages as men (seventy-seven cents to the male dollar to be exact).

Men are not the enemy.  We are not waging a war against men, we're waging a war against inequality.  Societal standards for women AND men are the problem.  The fact women are raised to be soft-spoken and delicate and men need to be strong and unemotional is the problem.  The problem, put simply, is the existence of gender standards in society.  There is something fundamentally wrong with society's standards, not with men themselves.  If we're not happy, it's a combination of those standards and how we're being treated by men because of them.  This is what we are working to change.  We're coming out, showing we're strong because we want to change the standards of femininity and, through education, changing the way men interact with us.

What if I want more in my life than just "men [wanting] to love [me]?"  What if I want to help them provide for and protect a family.  It may be in their DNA but, guess what, it's in women's DNA too.  We'll let them provide for and protect a family as long as we can have an equal say and have equal pay.  Women are tired too.  I'm tired of people thinking I'm a lesbian, calling me a dyke (it's happened before), because I'm not dainty and delicate.  I'm strong and independent and that throws a lot of guys off.

Don't even get me started on the sentence "Feminism serves men very well: they can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever."  Feminism may have helped eradicate the sexual oppression of women (but not completely, even men are sexually oppressed in society.  I blame religion but that's a different blog post), but that doesn't mean we go around having one night stands and never hold our boyfriends responsible for anything.  I'll hold my boyfriend responsible when he's not pulling his weight in the relationship.  I like having steady relationships instead of just sleeping around.  Implying that women would prefer sex at hello and pull all the weight in a relationship is probably the stupidest thing I've ever read.

Women do not need men's linear career goals.  WE DON'T NEED THEM TO PICK UP THE SLACK AT THE OFFICE.  I can't believe she even was saying that seriously.  She has to be joking right?  I am completely certain I could have an office of all women and it wouldn't fall apart.  You know why?  Because women are stronger today.  We're independent.  I am more often proud of my female friends than my male friends because of how ridiculously strong they are.  My best friend has had a lot of health problems lately, but she doesn't break down and cry.  She doesn't sit in her house and feel sorry for herself.  She goes out!  She parties with me.  She goes to hockey games (she'd be my vice-president of this all-girl office).  She is one of the strongest people I know.  My mom is also one of the strongest people I know.  She's been through cancer, jaw issues, money problems, severe depression, gallbladder removal, and still she carries on, not feeling sorry for herself.  She wakes up everyday and goes to work (except Fridays of course because she's smart and asked for Fridays off).  She was back at work a week after she had her gallbladder out.  She is and always has been one of the strongest people I know.

We do not NEED men.  They're a bonus, don't get me wrong.  Sex is great and having someone there for you, and being able to be there for someone, is a great feeling.  But I have absolutely no doubt that if they weren't around, we'd be fine.  The world wouldn't fall apart.  We can live a balanced life by ourselves if we so choose.

I would rather go the rest of my life alone, never getting married, than "surrender to my nature" that Venker seems to think is my femininity.  My nature, woman's nature, is to be fucking strong.  It's not to be considered less than a man.  It's not to just give in to being unequal.  It's definitely not subscribing to societal gender norms that are not correct.

So to my fellow women: keep being strong because you're the way we'll change society.

Sydnie

It Snowed Today

"Snow on the ground in Tennessee
North came south at the tops of the trees
Another long winter trying to fight this freeze
Waiting but the cold's got a hold on me"

It's amazing how much can change in a year. I didn't think I was going to make it through Christmas at this point last year (or the year before, to be honest). I haven't listened to this song (Amy, I by Jack's Mannequin) since then. It's crazy how much hold a song can have on you. The last time I heard this song, I could barely stand without wanting to give up. I couldn't go through a class or a shift at work without crying.  And as soon as this came on my player, all those feelings came rushing back.  All those nights of walking the twenty minutes home from my parking spot to my spider-infested, gross apartment.  Hanging out for days at a time with only a cat that couldn't pee in the litter box to save her life (we've worked through that.  She now never goes anywhere else).  And it just kind of hit me how completely different I feel.

"Amy, I
I never felt this kind of cold before
Amy, I
May never feel this way again
I've never felt this kind of cold"

I got help...for the second time in the many years I've been trying to fight this damn depression (going on ten years to be exact). But I wanted it to work this time.  I didn't want to give up again.  I was terrified.  I couldn't remember what I was like before the depression.  The only person I knew was Sydnie the Depressed.  It was part of me.  It was my inspiration and a bigger part of my life than anyone really knew.  I had started identifying myself with it.

"So give me a cloud, there's so much at stake
Decided to walk, there was ice on the lake
I never worry 'cause it never breaks
But I hear it cracking under my weight
Another long winter trying to fight this freeze
Waiting, but the cold's got a hold on me"

I was so scared that first day I went in to talk to someone.  What if I didn't like who I was?  What if I lost all my passion, all my inspiration?  What if all my creativity was wrapped up with those feelings of hopelessness?  Not knowing who you'd wake up to be in a couple weeks is scary.

"Amy, I
I never felt this kind of cold before
Amy, I
May never feel this way again
Amy, I
Can hear your bare feet on my bedroom floor
But Amy, I
I've never felt this kind of cold
Never felt this kind of cold on me
Never felt this kind of cold on me"

I was always very open about my depression, but I am even more so now.  I am not afraid to talk about it.  I'm not ashamed.  It shouldn't be something a person should be ashamed of.  It wasn't my fault.  I wasn't losing myself, I was rediscovering myself.  It was always the same Sydnie, just in a different chapter. 

"Amy, I
I've never felt this kind of cold before
Amy, I
May never feel this way again
Feel this way again
Amy, I
I hear your bare feet on my bedroom floor
But you're not here anymore
Amy, I
Never felt this kind of cold"

I used to say that I never wanted help.  That I could do it on my own.  But I couldn't.  And neither can anyone.  And, trust me, I know very well it can be difficult to admit that.  But when you do, you begin this pretty exciting adventure of finding out a completely different side of yourself.   And now I have a steady relationship with pretty much the coolest guy ever, I hang out with friends, I go out on the weekend, I've been keeping up on schoolwork, I know what happy feels like again.  It's been ten years since I've known that.  And to anyone else who doesn't know that feeling, you can.  You just need to reach out to anyone.  Or accept those reaching out to you.

Sydnie