One night we were cuddling in bed, he asked me if we were officially dating. I didn't know how to answer. I couldn't tell him the truth. So I said I didn't know. He was silent for a while, then said he was sorry. He said he thought I liked him. I told him I did like him. I don't know why I kept lying to him especially when I always told him not to lie to me. I told him I didn't want to rush into anything. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, then I'd want to date. Still lying; I need to stop. But I can't because I'm a coward.
We went on dates. We hung out all the time. But we still weren't dating. We ate together, played games together. We watched movies and cuddled. But we still weren't dating. And then I guess one night he had finally had enough. He was acting weird. He wanted to have sex but I was tired from work. At least that's what I said. It's not like my job is that difficult. I just stand and scoop ice cream for a few hours a few nights a week. I guess I was just tired of him. He started questioning me about our situation again. I told him I thought he was in this for a different reason. It was fun, but it was time to end it. He said he was in it because he cared about me and was hoping, like I said, I would one day date him. I told him we'd never be anything more than friends. He got up and left. I guess I should have felt bad, but I didn't. I didn't really care.
The next weekend we talked about it again. He cried. I didn't show any emotion at all. I just didn't care. I was never in it for him, just for myself. I didn't care about him. He kept asking why I acted like I had feelings for him when I really didn't. Time to lie again. I told him I like him but there was a disconnect when I thought about dating him. That was a horrible lie. I either need to start telling the truth or think of better lies. He said that what we were doing was dating. He said that what we were doing was what it was like to date him. He said it would be no different. But I didn't care. I was over him. Scratch that. There was nothing to be over because I never liked him in the first place. I was just using him. I'm the most selfish person in the world. I guess I should feel bad about that, but I don't.
It didn't matter at this point anyway. I had met a better guy. I started hanging out with him a lot. I still saw the first guy and he asked if we could still cuddle because he was lonely. I should have said no. I should have just left him alone. I could tell it damn near killed him every time we hung out. But I didn't leave him alone. I kept stringing him along. I would ask him whenever I saw him when he wanted to hang out again. And I could tell he didn't want to but he never says no to people he cares about. What an idiot. His life would be so much easier if he could just be as selfish as I am.
Once in December we were at a function together. We left at the same time. He asked me to come over and watch a movie with him. I said I couldn't, that I had plans with a friend. He asked if it was a guy. I said yes. I finally told him something true. He asked if I was dating the other guy. I said no. I started lying again. I had started dating the other guy in November. All while still hanging out and cuddling with him. But he wouldn't find that out for another month. And when he did, he cut all ties as much as was possible. He was absolutely disgusted that he fell for a girl as selfish and cruel, a lying bitch. We're civil these days. But he still hates me. He still wants to punch me every time he sees me. He still hates himself for ever believing a word I said. I guess I should feel bad, but I don't.
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