It Snowed Today

"Snow on the ground in Tennessee
North came south at the tops of the trees
Another long winter trying to fight this freeze
Waiting but the cold's got a hold on me"

It's amazing how much can change in a year. I didn't think I was going to make it through Christmas at this point last year (or the year before, to be honest). I haven't listened to this song (Amy, I by Jack's Mannequin) since then. It's crazy how much hold a song can have on you. The last time I heard this song, I could barely stand without wanting to give up. I couldn't go through a class or a shift at work without crying.  And as soon as this came on my player, all those feelings came rushing back.  All those nights of walking the twenty minutes home from my parking spot to my spider-infested, gross apartment.  Hanging out for days at a time with only a cat that couldn't pee in the litter box to save her life (we've worked through that.  She now never goes anywhere else).  And it just kind of hit me how completely different I feel.

"Amy, I
I never felt this kind of cold before
Amy, I
May never feel this way again
I've never felt this kind of cold"

I got help...for the second time in the many years I've been trying to fight this damn depression (going on ten years to be exact). But I wanted it to work this time.  I didn't want to give up again.  I was terrified.  I couldn't remember what I was like before the depression.  The only person I knew was Sydnie the Depressed.  It was part of me.  It was my inspiration and a bigger part of my life than anyone really knew.  I had started identifying myself with it.

"So give me a cloud, there's so much at stake
Decided to walk, there was ice on the lake
I never worry 'cause it never breaks
But I hear it cracking under my weight
Another long winter trying to fight this freeze
Waiting, but the cold's got a hold on me"

I was so scared that first day I went in to talk to someone.  What if I didn't like who I was?  What if I lost all my passion, all my inspiration?  What if all my creativity was wrapped up with those feelings of hopelessness?  Not knowing who you'd wake up to be in a couple weeks is scary.

"Amy, I
I never felt this kind of cold before
Amy, I
May never feel this way again
Amy, I
Can hear your bare feet on my bedroom floor
But Amy, I
I've never felt this kind of cold
Never felt this kind of cold on me
Never felt this kind of cold on me"

I was always very open about my depression, but I am even more so now.  I am not afraid to talk about it.  I'm not ashamed.  It shouldn't be something a person should be ashamed of.  It wasn't my fault.  I wasn't losing myself, I was rediscovering myself.  It was always the same Sydnie, just in a different chapter. 

"Amy, I
I've never felt this kind of cold before
Amy, I
May never feel this way again
Feel this way again
Amy, I
I hear your bare feet on my bedroom floor
But you're not here anymore
Amy, I
Never felt this kind of cold"

I used to say that I never wanted help.  That I could do it on my own.  But I couldn't.  And neither can anyone.  And, trust me, I know very well it can be difficult to admit that.  But when you do, you begin this pretty exciting adventure of finding out a completely different side of yourself.   And now I have a steady relationship with pretty much the coolest guy ever, I hang out with friends, I go out on the weekend, I've been keeping up on schoolwork, I know what happy feels like again.  It's been ten years since I've known that.  And to anyone else who doesn't know that feeling, you can.  You just need to reach out to anyone.  Or accept those reaching out to you.

Sydnie