Relationships: Why They're Absolutely The Worst Things In The World

 I'm going to show why relationships are such a weird and crazy idea simply by showing the stages of most relationships, and the corresponding anxiety levels that go with them. Enjoy.

1. The “What The What, A Guy Likes Me? Why?” Stage
   The initial date request.
   So when a guy asks me out, my first reaction isn't “Oh my god yes!” It's actually, and I'm totally not making this up, “...why?” Usually it's only said in my head but every once in a while I let it slip out and then the guy looks at me like I just insulted him. But I didn't. I was legitimately asking why because I've been conditioned my entire life to believe guys want the opposite of pretty much everything I am. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with how I am. If I wasn't, I'd change it. It just always throws me off when guys don't act how I expect them to because usually I can predict their behavior.
   Anxiety level: 2
   
   
2. The First Few Dates
   About a month ago, I was waist deep in men. Oh that sounds great. I had a lot of men. That's not better. I WAS GOING ON A LOT OF DATES. Okay. Cleared that up. So yes, lots of dates. And I would complain to anyone who would listen. And they would all roll their eyes and say how lucky I was or whatever, but I wasn't. I hate first dates with a passion. I don't ever have anything proper to wear (because my wardrobe consists of nerd t-shirts and jeans I wash maybe once a month [if I'm lucky]). If it's a laid-back date, like the zoo (it has always been my dream first date that a guy would take me to the zoo and then one did and then he broke up with me two days ago, inadvertently inspiring this post), I'll just wear a t-shirt (I wore my kickass Doctor Who Tardis shirt). But more often than not, the guy wants to take me to dinner at a kind-of-not-totally-fancy-but-fancier-than-t-shirt-place like a sushi place or something. Also, I hate sushi. It's so gross. But that's a different topic. Anyway, they're stupid and 99% of the time, I don't want to go on another so also a waste of time (but every now and then there's a guy who just surprises me...then he breaks up with me a few weeks later).
   Anxiety level: 5-9 (depending on my preexisting feelings for the guy)
   
   
3. The Awkward “What The Fuck Are We Doing?” Stage
   This is that weird period between maybe like the second or third date and when you actually decide if you're going to officially date or not. This is the phase I barely ever get past (I've only been past this stage three times actually). I hate this phase the most because I don't like not knowing what's going on between me and another person. I'll usually end up asking, “Soooooo what are we doing?” (Except the last guy. He actually asked me if I wanted to date him. I didn't have to ask. That felt really nice. He was really nice). And that's when he says he thinks I'm a really cool girl, he just doesn't know if he wants a relationship with me. Two things about that: 1) Telling me I'm a really cool girl first doesn't help. At this point if another guy says that to me before breaking it off, I will seriously punch him in the face. I know I'm awesome, I don't need that reaffirmed from some dick who was just using me. 2) Just shut up. You don't know if you want a relationship with me? Bullshit, you know. You don't want one. Grow some balls and tell me like a real man.
   I also hate this phase because I've cut it off with guys in this phase too so I know the standard break-up lines that are appropriate for this stage. And they're all lies designed to make me feel better (but they never do). So if you use one on me, trust me I'll know you're lying and I'm sure I can guess the actual reason.
   Anxiety level: 8
   
   
4. Un-focus-ability Stage
   If I do make it past stage 3 with a guy I'm really into, I get way too excited and I can't focus on anything. Which is okay if it's during the summer or something, but during school it becomes a problem, especially if it's towards the end of the year. This calms down after a month or two, and it's because of a preexisting condition (depression).
   Anxiety level: 5
   
   
5. The Comfortable Stage
   This is the only part I really enjoy. It's the part where I don't have to shave everyday. I can wander around his place in a pair of his boxers and a tank top. I don't have to worry about looking my absolute best every day because I'm comfortable with him and confident he likes me even if I look like crap. If I could just skip to this part, I'd totally be happy. I like this part a lot, but I've only gotten to it once (this sounds like a video game walkthrough).
   Anxiety level: 0
   
   
6. The Decline
   The decline usually starts when he gets too comfortable. Which, I know, is a total dick standard: I can be comfortable but he can't. That's not what I'm saying. He can be comfortable, I'd prefer it that way obviously. But what gets me is when we “get stuck in a rut” as people like to call it. We do the same things all the time. We never mix it up. And the decline will happen even faster if I'm suggesting new things to do (which I do because I get bored really easily) and he just blows it off. Don't just blow it off. It's a serious thing. When I get bored around someone, I will find someone else to hang out with that doesn't bore me.
   Anxiety level: 5
   
   
7. The Inevitable Downfall
   I'll admit it: it's usually my fault. I screw things up. Or I get bored like I just explained. But no matter what the reason, or who does the breaking up with whom, this part sucks like nothing else you'll ever experience. It's that special feeling of someone preferring others' company to your exclusive company. And it hurts, especially if he's doing the breaking up with me. There will be tears. But do it like a man. Don't text me. Don't F'book it. I even want to say don't do it over the phone. Do it in person, in a not public place. And, please, for the love of Zeus, don't start with “this is really hard for me.” It's really hard for you? How do you think I'm going to feel in a minute or two when you finally get the words out of your mouth? If it's really hard for you, don't do it. I don't understand that at all, following that phrase with a break up. It makes no sense to me. You should be sure you don't want to be with me. It shouldn't be something you're struggling with, it should be something you're sure of, because you're about to let go of a really awesome chick.
   Anxiety level: 9
   
   
8. Oh, Look, I Can't Focus Again!
   But this anti-focusing is even worse. Especially if the guy breaks up with you very suddenly two days before finals start. I can't study. I can't think. And nothing really works as a sufficient distraction. It's super awesome.
   Anxiety level: 10
   
   
9. The Crying-Not Caring-Back To Crying-Getting Stupid Drunk Stage
   This stage is the second worse besides the actual break up. It affects everyone around me. One minute I'll be crying, the next I'll be downing screwdrivers like they're water. I'll go from not caring about him to the only thing in the world I want is for him to wrap his arms around me once more. And this part is always the longest. I try to tell myself the fun times I had with him make the pain worth it, but does it really? Will it ever really make it worth it?
   Anxiety level: 8.5
   
   
10. Acceptance
    Of course depending on how long you were together, if you ever made it to an official relationship stage, etc, the acceptance can happen in multiple places. And it's simply “getting over it.” When you think about him, or the awesome times you had, you don't cry or get sad anymore. It's the “no guys, I'm really okay” stage.
    Anxiety level: 4
    
    
11. Repeat The Cycle Until You Don't Want To Interact With Humans Anymore
    And guess what?! You get to look forward to going through that cycle over and over and over and over until you're at the point where you'll vomit if one more guy asks you out!! Aren't you so super excited?! I know I am.
    Anxiety level: Early stage crazy cat lady level
    
    
12. Death
    But don't fret. You'll die eventually.
    Anxiety level: Zombie