SSA Conference

I went to Columbus, OH for the Secular Student Alliance Conference this weekend.  I attended awesome, informative, and inspiring talks about all different subjects like mental health, how to use social media effectively to promote AHA, unsafe assumptions, and especially where this movement is going.

I came home to my boyfriend's apartment feeling excited and hopeful for the future.   As soon as I got there, I started talking about the conference.  And when I started talking about it, his roommate started questioning everything about it.  "What do you do at the conferences?  Why do you even need them?  If you all get together and meet, it's just like a religion."  My excitement was definitely slightly dashed.

It was an immediate reminder that I was no longer in the safety of the atheist community surrounded by my peers, but thrust back into reality where people who aren't atheist, humanist, agnostic, etc. don't understand what we're trying to do.  It's not yet totally accepted to be an open atheist.   Families shun children, students get death threats.  Being an out of the closet atheist can be hurtful and damaging to relationships, jobs, social connections.  That's what this movement is about.  We're trying to show we're not satan worshiping baby eaters.  We have morals.  We're good people.  We give to charities, we help with natural disasters, we fight as soldiers.

We've changed the world's view of us, but not enough.  We've formed a community  to finish this change.  We've joined together so that we're no longer seen as atheists, but as Sydnie or Joe or Ben or Sarah. 

We've also joined together and made this strong community for a bigger and better reason: to be a safety net for new non-theists.  Transitioning out of religion is tough.  I've told my story in a previous blog post.  And there are tons of other people with similar stories.  Leaving a religion is leaving an entire life behind.  It was how I was raised and I had to turn my back on that.  And I'm so happy I found this community to fall back on.  And now I want to be that for more people.

We're not a community because we want to be like a religion.  We're a community so we can help each other and be a support system for each other.  There's something important to us that binds us together and we bond over that.

Relationships: Why They're Absolutely The Worst Things In The World

 I'm going to show why relationships are such a weird and crazy idea simply by showing the stages of most relationships, and the corresponding anxiety levels that go with them. Enjoy.

1. The “What The What, A Guy Likes Me? Why?” Stage
   The initial date request.
   So when a guy asks me out, my first reaction isn't “Oh my god yes!” It's actually, and I'm totally not making this up, “...why?” Usually it's only said in my head but every once in a while I let it slip out and then the guy looks at me like I just insulted him. But I didn't. I was legitimately asking why because I've been conditioned my entire life to believe guys want the opposite of pretty much everything I am. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with how I am. If I wasn't, I'd change it. It just always throws me off when guys don't act how I expect them to because usually I can predict their behavior.
   Anxiety level: 2
   
   
2. The First Few Dates
   About a month ago, I was waist deep in men. Oh that sounds great. I had a lot of men. That's not better. I WAS GOING ON A LOT OF DATES. Okay. Cleared that up. So yes, lots of dates. And I would complain to anyone who would listen. And they would all roll their eyes and say how lucky I was or whatever, but I wasn't. I hate first dates with a passion. I don't ever have anything proper to wear (because my wardrobe consists of nerd t-shirts and jeans I wash maybe once a month [if I'm lucky]). If it's a laid-back date, like the zoo (it has always been my dream first date that a guy would take me to the zoo and then one did and then he broke up with me two days ago, inadvertently inspiring this post), I'll just wear a t-shirt (I wore my kickass Doctor Who Tardis shirt). But more often than not, the guy wants to take me to dinner at a kind-of-not-totally-fancy-but-fancier-than-t-shirt-place like a sushi place or something. Also, I hate sushi. It's so gross. But that's a different topic. Anyway, they're stupid and 99% of the time, I don't want to go on another so also a waste of time (but every now and then there's a guy who just surprises me...then he breaks up with me a few weeks later).
   Anxiety level: 5-9 (depending on my preexisting feelings for the guy)
   
   
3. The Awkward “What The Fuck Are We Doing?” Stage
   This is that weird period between maybe like the second or third date and when you actually decide if you're going to officially date or not. This is the phase I barely ever get past (I've only been past this stage three times actually). I hate this phase the most because I don't like not knowing what's going on between me and another person. I'll usually end up asking, “Soooooo what are we doing?” (Except the last guy. He actually asked me if I wanted to date him. I didn't have to ask. That felt really nice. He was really nice). And that's when he says he thinks I'm a really cool girl, he just doesn't know if he wants a relationship with me. Two things about that: 1) Telling me I'm a really cool girl first doesn't help. At this point if another guy says that to me before breaking it off, I will seriously punch him in the face. I know I'm awesome, I don't need that reaffirmed from some dick who was just using me. 2) Just shut up. You don't know if you want a relationship with me? Bullshit, you know. You don't want one. Grow some balls and tell me like a real man.
   I also hate this phase because I've cut it off with guys in this phase too so I know the standard break-up lines that are appropriate for this stage. And they're all lies designed to make me feel better (but they never do). So if you use one on me, trust me I'll know you're lying and I'm sure I can guess the actual reason.
   Anxiety level: 8
   
   
4. Un-focus-ability Stage
   If I do make it past stage 3 with a guy I'm really into, I get way too excited and I can't focus on anything. Which is okay if it's during the summer or something, but during school it becomes a problem, especially if it's towards the end of the year. This calms down after a month or two, and it's because of a preexisting condition (depression).
   Anxiety level: 5
   
   
5. The Comfortable Stage
   This is the only part I really enjoy. It's the part where I don't have to shave everyday. I can wander around his place in a pair of his boxers and a tank top. I don't have to worry about looking my absolute best every day because I'm comfortable with him and confident he likes me even if I look like crap. If I could just skip to this part, I'd totally be happy. I like this part a lot, but I've only gotten to it once (this sounds like a video game walkthrough).
   Anxiety level: 0
   
   
6. The Decline
   The decline usually starts when he gets too comfortable. Which, I know, is a total dick standard: I can be comfortable but he can't. That's not what I'm saying. He can be comfortable, I'd prefer it that way obviously. But what gets me is when we “get stuck in a rut” as people like to call it. We do the same things all the time. We never mix it up. And the decline will happen even faster if I'm suggesting new things to do (which I do because I get bored really easily) and he just blows it off. Don't just blow it off. It's a serious thing. When I get bored around someone, I will find someone else to hang out with that doesn't bore me.
   Anxiety level: 5
   
   
7. The Inevitable Downfall
   I'll admit it: it's usually my fault. I screw things up. Or I get bored like I just explained. But no matter what the reason, or who does the breaking up with whom, this part sucks like nothing else you'll ever experience. It's that special feeling of someone preferring others' company to your exclusive company. And it hurts, especially if he's doing the breaking up with me. There will be tears. But do it like a man. Don't text me. Don't F'book it. I even want to say don't do it over the phone. Do it in person, in a not public place. And, please, for the love of Zeus, don't start with “this is really hard for me.” It's really hard for you? How do you think I'm going to feel in a minute or two when you finally get the words out of your mouth? If it's really hard for you, don't do it. I don't understand that at all, following that phrase with a break up. It makes no sense to me. You should be sure you don't want to be with me. It shouldn't be something you're struggling with, it should be something you're sure of, because you're about to let go of a really awesome chick.
   Anxiety level: 9
   
   
8. Oh, Look, I Can't Focus Again!
   But this anti-focusing is even worse. Especially if the guy breaks up with you very suddenly two days before finals start. I can't study. I can't think. And nothing really works as a sufficient distraction. It's super awesome.
   Anxiety level: 10
   
   
9. The Crying-Not Caring-Back To Crying-Getting Stupid Drunk Stage
   This stage is the second worse besides the actual break up. It affects everyone around me. One minute I'll be crying, the next I'll be downing screwdrivers like they're water. I'll go from not caring about him to the only thing in the world I want is for him to wrap his arms around me once more. And this part is always the longest. I try to tell myself the fun times I had with him make the pain worth it, but does it really? Will it ever really make it worth it?
   Anxiety level: 8.5
   
   
10. Acceptance
    Of course depending on how long you were together, if you ever made it to an official relationship stage, etc, the acceptance can happen in multiple places. And it's simply “getting over it.” When you think about him, or the awesome times you had, you don't cry or get sad anymore. It's the “no guys, I'm really okay” stage.
    Anxiety level: 4
    
    
11. Repeat The Cycle Until You Don't Want To Interact With Humans Anymore
    And guess what?! You get to look forward to going through that cycle over and over and over and over until you're at the point where you'll vomit if one more guy asks you out!! Aren't you so super excited?! I know I am.
    Anxiety level: Early stage crazy cat lady level
    
    
12. Death
    But don't fret. You'll die eventually.
    Anxiety level: Zombie

A Small Update

I try to avoid public performing ever since the time I blacked out while playing the piano in church because I was just that nervous. That being said, last night I went to an open mic night and performed a couple poems I wrote. 1. The fact I got up on that stage and did it without anyone pushing me into it is just a flippin' miracle and I'm really proud of myself for it; 2. I've been writing poetry since high school but I never let anyone see it (most people don't know I even write that much because it's not something I'm really that open about), so to let a bar full of complete strangers hear it is something I never thought would happen.

But it was so much fun. People were cheering and laughing and being really encouraging. I don't know if they genuinely liked it or were just being nice, but either way it made the whole experience something I would (and probably will) do again.

Now the sad part: I can only write really good stuff (poetry and stories) when I'm emotionally hurting really bad. And I'm not really right now. I mean there are moments, but not enough to get those lines to pop into my head. So what's more important: creativity or stability?

Syd

You'll Pay For The Whole Seat But You'll Only Need The Edge!

This post came about because I surround myself with total nerds, which is something that I love.

So if members of the fellowship had to fight to the death against each other, how would each battle turn out? Wonder no longer, my friend! Here's a handy guide you can refer to in order to impress those lovely ladies (or just creep them out and be alone forever).

Legolas vs Gimli

If they start out a few paces away from each other (normal human paces) Legolas would win hands down. His bowetry (I love making up words) is so superb there's no way Gimli would make it within axe range of him. Legolas would take Gimli out before anyone could say, “Holy crap! Elves and dwarves aren't real! These drugs are awesome.”

If, however, they start within axe range of each other, I think Gimli would win. Not right away, of course. Legolas would jump out of the way a few times, try to shoot a few arrows, but I think Gimli could defend himself and eventually get a good killing blow in there.

Legolas vs Aragorn

This one's difficult. Initially I thought Legolas would win. But Aragorn's reflexes and all around awesomeness is better than a normal human's. I think this would be the most even fight in the fellowship. They're both superior fighters with their chosen weapons. So I'm changing my mind. Aragorn is the winner. Plus I just like him more than Legolas.

Aragorn vs Gimli

Aragorn. Definitely. Gimli could probably put up a pretty good fight. But his fighting technique is slow and brutish compared to Aragorn's.

Boromir vs Aragorn

Aragorn. I don't have to explain why do I?

Boromir vs Legolas

Legolas

Boromir vs Gimli

Gimli (Sorry Boromir but you were the only one in the fellowship to actually die. You're kind of a pussy).

Frodo vs Sam

Frodo would win. He's just more apathetic. He's always seemed like a stronger character. Don't get me wrong, I think Sam would put up an amazing fight. I mean yeah Frodo was the one to bring the ring all the way to Mount Doom (which is totally a volcano and so they could have just ridden the eagles to it and dropped the ring down the fucking top) but guess who was the only one in the fellowship to stick with him the entire way, even when Frodo tried to ditch him. Oh shit. Maybe Sam would win. No. I'm going to stick with Frodo. If not for any other reason than the fact that Sam loves Frodo and would have a fundamental problem killing him, even if put in a situation where he had to in order to survive. Sam's just not that kind of hobbit. That's why he's always been one of my absolute favorite of the fellowship.

Merry vs Pippin

I think Merry would win. Pippin's the troublemaker. He's always screwing things up. I love Pippin but Merry could kick his ass if he had to.

But here's the thing about the hobbits. Any two hobbit put against any other one person in the fellowship would win. Especially if it was Merry and Pippin or Sam and Frodo. They would fight so hard to protect each other no other person in the fellowship would win. And if you put Merry and Pippin vs Sam and Frodo... ...um I really don't know. I'm calling it a tie. If anything happened to one of either pair, the other would epically hulk out on the others.

I love LOTR.

Syd

The Battle of the Century...Apparently

Mean Girls. The epic comedy about high school. It's got a relatable main character (relatable for everyone, not just girls in high school), a quality plot, comedic prowess, great acting (especially from the often overlooked Tim Meadows), and a great message to take away from it. As I was watching it last night in preparation for this post, I was trying to find something I didn't like in it or didn't agree with. But I couldn't. That happens, but rarely. Even the current favorite film of most people, The Grey, I had a few issues with. But Mean Girls rises above the classic “chick flick.” It does more for women that the current holy-crap-women-are-people-too-movie Bridesmaids. I'll get to Bridesmaids in a minute.

So why is Mean Girls so wonderful? I think the fact that the message it puts forth is so relatable by everyone is what really makes me love it. Everyone has been through high school and had to deal with cliques. It's not fun. The main character is relatable too. She's not loved because she's pretty but because she's smart. We root for her because she's just trying to be liked and fit in, and that's what we have to do every single day of our lives.

This movie is so fetch.

While initially the plastics seem to back the stereotype of women being able to get by on their looks, it's the complete opposite. No one can watch that movie and relate to the plastics. We all get that feeling of sick satisfaction when Regina gets hit by a bus. The relationship between the plastics and Cady, and the ultimate result of the plastics breaking up and Regina no longer being an ultrabitch, is used to show that acting dumb and just getting by on looks is not the way to do it.

This movie is the opposite of the quintessential chick flick. It's not about the geeky girl taking her glasses off, wearing her hair down, and then getting the hot guy and living happily ever after. Cady take that role but only to infiltrate and destroy the plastics. It's an action/spy movie set in high school!

And here's the point I talk about Tina Fey. Put aside the fact that I am totally in love with her (just like every other person on the planet). Her character in this movie is amazing. She's like a philosophical master. She really doesn't have a ridiculous amount of screen time, but when she gets it, she uses it for good. She's the mentor. She's a strong and successful woman who's life seems like a mess. But she is profound. She says shit like “I know having a boyfriend might seem like the only thing important to you right now, but you don't have to dumb yourself down in order for a guy to like you.” Bam! That could have been the entire movie right there.

Well this has been sufficiently awkward.

So this entire post came about because I got in an argument about Bridesmaids, which seems to be everyone's go-to movie when talking about the wonderful things women have accomplished and blah blah blah. The guy I was arguing with was adamant that this movie is “an unabashed flexing of women's comedic and filmic talents that, even more so than Mean Girls, demonstrates the equal yet all-too-often undersold competency of women as lead actors and writers to the public.” First, does anyone else think it's weird that a man so often argues against women about what movies do for the societal standards of women? Shouldn't we know better? No? It's just me? Okay. It's not just against me, either. I've seen him argue against other women about this very movie. And he never listens to our points and never seems to really take into consideration that he doesn't really know what he's talking about. Anyway, that's a totally different topic. It's just something that really annoys me.

That quote is a direct quote from this argument that inspired this post. First, I don't really think the question of whether women can be lead actors and awesome writers is that relevant anymore. Women have had starring roles in pretty much every type of movie I can think of. Of course the romantic comedies are largely dominated by female leads, but action movies have been relying on women in increasing number (Kill Bill, Salt, Resident Evil, Underworld, etc). Most of those examples are from the early 2000's. And I could definitely name more. So it's not like the “competency of women as lead actors” is really in question anymore. It's not just action movies either. Horror, comedy, coming-of-age dramas, epic historical dramas (Gone With The Wind FTW), fantasy. They've all had high-grossing movies with competent, well-acted female leading roles.

And women screenwriters? Did you know a woman wrote and directed American Psycho? Because one did: Mary Harron. (And if you haven't seen that movie, go watch it. I tried really really hard to find a video of one of my favorite scenes from the movie I could embed, but I couldn't find one so just click this link instead and marvel that a woman wrote this.) Other big names (screenwriters and directors): Julie Taymor (Frida, Across the Universe), Betty Thomas (The Brady Bunch Movie [awesome], Doctor Dolittle, 28 Days), Penny Marshall (she played Laverne in Laverne and Shirley and then went on to direct Big [which was co-written by Anne Spielberg, Steven Spielberg's sister]), Nancy Meyers (she both wrote and directed The Parent Trap, What Women Want, Something's Gotta Give), Nora Ephron (When Harry Met Sally [my favorite romantic comedy of all time] she also wrote and directed Sleepless in Seattle, You've Got Mail, Julie and Julia). And do I even need to mention Sophia Coppola? She wrote and directed the masterpiece Lost in Translation. She also wrote and directed Marie Antoinette which was actually a pretty decent movie. I guess I should mention Diablo Cody too simply because Juno was such a big hit.

Just add Zooey Deschanel to make this movie the ultimate hipster wet dream.

The competency of women as writers and actors in film was not in question until Bridesmaids came out and then suddenly it was all okay and women were real people. Women have been a huge influence in film for a very long time. I did leave Tina Fey off that list but simply because we all know how amazing she is. She was the first female head-writer for SNL, she's the head-writer and star of 30 Rock. Oh and she did the screenplay for Mean Girls. So all this nonsense of making such a big fuss about Bridesmaids like it was the first comedy written by a woman is insane.

Bridesmaids isn't even a really great movie. It was entertaining but the main character is not relatable. She's portrayed as insecure and insane. The screenplay was unoriginal. If you replace the female leads with men, it would be just like the I Love You, Man types of movies.

The message of Bridesmaids? Don't go insane when your best friend is getting married? The pacing is rough, the comedy is lowbrow. The movie is simply about what's going on in a woman's life. You can't invert the gender and it would still make sense. No one would believe that a guy would go that crazy when his best friend was getting married. But everyone believes it when a woman does it (furthering the stereotype that women are crazy).

So I guess what all this is saying is that making such a big deal about Bridesmaids is nonsense. Mean Girls is worthy of that big deal because it's a far superior movie. I'll leave you with some words that were said during the argument: “A great movie has a solid plot and doesn't seem drawn out. Bridesmaids very much feels drawn out. There are a few scenes in the film that serve no purpose to the story or character development. That's a pretty big sin for a great movie. Turn on Fight Club, turn on The Dark Knight: every scene in those films are completely necessary to the work as a whole. Also, it breaks a vital rule of comedies: make the audience root for the protagonist. Wiig's character goes all irrational (rejects her friend, her love interest, and her job) with the realization at the end is that she was being irrational, I guess? Sorry, but when a character makes me dislike them, seeing them rewarded at the end with all their wishes coming true is not satisfying to me, thus the story failed.” Thanks Mike. You pretty much summed it up.

Syd

I Made A Rage Comic

Another Short Story

I don't love this man sitting across from me. I don't really care for him at all. I'm just using him for sex, just using him so I'm not alone. He doesn't know that, obviously. I should probably feel bad about it, but I don't. He wants to date me. He texts me all the time. He won't leave me alone. We see each other so often. I don't care I'm leading him on. I'm a heartless bitch.

One night we were cuddling in bed, he asked me if we were officially dating. I didn't know how to answer. I couldn't tell him the truth. So I said I didn't know. He was silent for a while, then said he was sorry. He said he thought I liked him. I told him I did like him. I don't know why I kept lying to him especially when I always told him not to lie to me. I told him I didn't want to rush into anything. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, then I'd want to date. Still lying; I need to stop. But I can't because I'm a coward.

We went on dates. We hung out all the time. But we still weren't dating. We ate together, played games together. We watched movies and cuddled. But we still weren't dating. And then I guess one night he had finally had enough. He was acting weird. He wanted to have sex but I was tired from work. At least that's what I said. It's not like my job is that difficult. I just stand and scoop ice cream for a few hours a few nights a week. I guess I was just tired of him. He started questioning me about our situation again. I told him I thought he was in this for a different reason. It was fun, but it was time to end it. He said he was in it because he cared about me and was hoping, like I said, I would one day date him. I told him we'd never be anything more than friends. He got up and left. I guess I should have felt bad, but I didn't. I didn't really care.

The next weekend we talked about it again. He cried. I didn't show any emotion at all. I just didn't care. I was never in it for him, just for myself. I didn't care about him. He kept asking why I acted like I had feelings for him when I really didn't. Time to lie again. I told him I like him but there was a disconnect when I thought about dating him. That was a horrible lie. I either need to start telling the truth or think of better lies. He said that what we were doing was dating. He said that what we were doing was what it was like to date him. He said it would be no different. But I didn't care. I was over him. Scratch that. There was nothing to be over because I never liked him in the first place. I was just using him. I'm the most selfish person in the world. I guess I should feel bad about that, but I don't.

It didn't matter at this point anyway. I had met a better guy. I started hanging out with him a lot. I still saw the first guy and he asked if we could still cuddle because he was lonely. I should have said no. I should have just left him alone. I could tell it damn near killed him every time we hung out. But I didn't leave him alone. I kept stringing him along. I would ask him whenever I saw him when he wanted to hang out again. And I could tell he didn't want to but he never says no to people he cares about. What an idiot. His life would be so much easier if he could just be as selfish as I am.

Once in December we were at a function together. We left at the same time. He asked me to come over and watch a movie with him. I said I couldn't, that I had plans with a friend. He asked if it was a guy. I said yes. I finally told him something true. He asked if I was dating the other guy. I said no. I started lying again. I had started dating the other guy in November. All while still hanging out and cuddling with him. But he wouldn't find that out for another month. And when he did, he cut all ties as much as was possible. He was absolutely disgusted that he fell for a girl as selfish and cruel, a lying bitch. We're civil these days. But he still hates me. He still wants to punch me every time he sees me. He still hates himself for ever believing a word I said. I guess I should feel bad, but I don't.